Dear general public, the joke's on you.
Yes, I know I've been lampooned in every magazine, mocked in every list of 'what's hot and what's not'; I know every bitter columnist has bemoaned my utter lack of dignity and self-respect. I know I've been the big joke on the music scene for all 30 years of my less-than-prestigious career.
But here's the funny part.
You bought it. You gave me air-time, screen-time, your precious time. You, my dears, have kept me in Gucci sunglasses and Prada handbags. You paid for my swimming pool. I'm currently considering getting a tennis court put in the grounds.
And what have I given you in return? Such classics as "Sex me do" and "Oh Baby Baby" (which, need I remind you, stayed at number one for three weeks despite being universally recognised as monotonous garbage).
I've been accused of taking myself too seriously. The celebrity friends, the designer dresses, every red carpet and all the late-night boozy pap-snaps. Do you think I didn’t know it's all just a game? Just a dance that I performed for your benefit? You gave me a celebrity lifestyle, and in return, I gave you my life - and that was worth nothing to start with.
Oh and I'd like to remind you all that my new movie, "Make room for Albie", comes out on the 25th.
x x x