Monday, 20 October 2008
I won't delete anything from here, and if people have strong opinions I'll consider posting my new material up here as well.
Don't forget that you can still find me at www.almostdailyexploits.com!
Saturday, 27 September 2008
What if my best days are behind me? What if I haven’t made a difference?
Then he puts his hand on mine and smiles at me, and I’ll be alright.
Friday, 19 September 2008
Drawing my tits down and greying my hair.
I refuse to be horrified when wrinkles appear.
I will not have cosmetic surgery, no, I will not!
But will accept it with a graceful air
When men in their twenties no longer stare.
As my bones groan and my joints creak
And my eyes and my ears pack it in,
I will be happy, as others have been.
So do not tell me that age is a monster,
Devouring my glories one by worthless one;
The golden glow of evening precedes the setting sun.
Thursday, 11 September 2008
Friday, 29 August 2008
Wednesday, 13 August 2008
So I stood apart from the crowd, reflecting on how the simplest and best things in this world were forever denied me. Love, friendship, laughter. It's not that I felt lost; how can you feel lost when there's nowhere to be, nobody to go with?
Don't feel sorry for me. Some people just feel this way. Peripheral. Once, though, I was alive.
His name is Richard, and he was my world for a year and a half. From the night I met him outside a Subways to that last, regret-filled phone call when we both stopped trying, he was my heartbeat, the sun in my sky. His home was my home; his friends, my friends. Every adventure in life we went through together, holding hands and running for the hell of it.
I’ve been over it time and time again in my head. Trying to pinpoint the exact moment our sandcastle fell apart. My best guess is that it happened at the most trivial of moments, as these things do - when we were choosing new curtains for the bedroom. We’d both had a rough couple of weeks; stress at work, in his case, and an ill nephew in mine. I suggested a few light colours, but he didn’t like them. So I suggested a few darker ones, but he didn’t like them. So I suggested a few brighter ones, and he didn’t like those either. I suggested he make his mind up what he fucking well DID want, or at least give me a fucking HINT... and he gave me the strangest look, like he didn’t know me, and he said “There are much more important things for us to decide.”
I cried myself to sleep that night.
That was months before the last thread broke, and there were plenty of good times after that day, but the memory of what he said came back to me after every fight, every angry word, every disappointed look. My paranoia wouldn’t let it rest. Sometimes I’d catch him looking at me pensively, as if trying to work something out, and I’d ask him what he was trying to decide. He never answered.
When a relationship ends, especially if it’s one you were completely invested in, at some point the inevitable question ‘what could I have done differently?’ comes up. What if I’d tried harder, been better, done the washing up more often? What if I’d spiced things up in the bedroom? What if I’d suggested blinds?
Sometimes these things just don’t work out. I moved out, ostensibly to ‘get some space’, but really because I couldn’t understand him and it was tearing me up inside. After two weeks we gave up. I moved away, started again with new friends, and a new flat that didn’t carry his fingerprints and his scent. But I haven’t been the same since. I watch couples in love with detached disinterest, knowing that I can’t ever feel that way again. I watch people laughing and joking in pubs, in parks, light-hearted and hopeful, and privately wonder how long it is until I move on again and get a new dead-end job somewhere else.
I can’t live with them, I can’t love like them, and I can’t feel the warmth of Richard’s skin on mine.
So I stand apart from the crowd. Don’t feel sorry for me, some people just feel this way.
Dear general public, the joke's on you.
Yes, I know I've been lampooned in every magazine, mocked in every list of 'what's hot and what's not'; I know every bitter columnist has bemoaned my utter lack of dignity and self-respect. I know I've been the big joke on the music scene for all 30 years of my less-than-prestigious career.
But here's the funny part.
You bought it. You gave me air-time, screen-time, your precious time. You, my dears, have kept me in Gucci sunglasses and Prada handbags. You paid for my swimming pool. I'm currently considering getting a tennis court put in the grounds.
And what have I given you in return? Such classics as "Sex me do" and "Oh Baby Baby" (which, need I remind you, stayed at number one for three weeks despite being universally recognised as monotonous garbage).
I've been accused of taking myself too seriously. The celebrity friends, the designer dresses, every red carpet and all the late-night boozy pap-snaps. Do you think I didn’t know it's all just a game? Just a dance that I performed for your benefit? You gave me a celebrity lifestyle, and in return, I gave you my life - and that was worth nothing to start with.
Oh and I'd like to remind you all that my new movie, "Make room for Albie", comes out on the 25th.
x x x
Wednesday, 23 July 2008
Friday, 18 July 2008
Friday, 4 July 2008
With those eyes so ocean-blue
You look at me and see right through
Tell me darling, who are you?
Who are you, what's your name?
Do you really feel the same?
If you share my joy and shame,
Who are you?
You look so familiar
And you know that I'm afraid
I didn't try to tell ya
But you heard what I never said,
That I am scared.
Tell me stranger, who are you?
I don't think I ever knew
So please tell me, tell me true
Perfect stranger, who are you?
Who are you, how'd you know
That I'll break if I'm let go?
You still hold me tightly, so
Who are you?
My truth is swept up in twisters,
It breaks into blisters
Sisters and brothers
Whisper to others.
Mothers turn listless.
Restless I wander and weave,
Can't leave this burnt bruised and broken
Token of truth.
The snake drags her skin
Only memories in -
Where she's been,
What she's seen,
Withered white dead skin in favour of green.
My truth is lost in dry dirt,
Buried in hurt
My nails split from digging
Blood on my shirt
Tears in my eyes
The skies full of grey clouds that never break.
For heaven's sake and mine,
RAIN this time!
I can read and speak half a dozen different languages,
Dance and sing and play the piano
I can paint and clean and I'm good at making sandwiches,
I'm quite an accomplished young lady you know.
I'm neat and sweet and admirably taciturn,
Some rich bachelor will fall in love with me.
I'm good at crotchet and never speaking out of turn,
I'm quite the example of how girls should be.
I'm graceful, beautiful, but blessed with sweet propriety,
Modesty turns my cheeks a gentle rose.
I say my prayers as examples of my piety,
And I'm merciful to all the worst of my foes.
I can read and speak half a dozen different languages,
But as I'm just a woman my talent merely languishes,
Far be it from me to speak of all my anguishes
But I'm quite an accomplished young lady, you know.
My heart's been broken and reformed,
I lift my scars up to the Lord,
I need a new one,
I need a new one.
The old praise doesn't sound sincere,
It just rings hollow in my ear.
I'll sing a new song.
I'll sing a new song.
And these thousand days when you've felt so distant,
I thought you died but I hope you didn't,
I've walked the road and I think I'm different now...
Whatever you want from me,
I need to be strong now
I have to be strong.
Whatever you ask of me,
I want to come home now
God let me come home
Tuesday, 17 June 2008
Thursday, 12 June 2008
Sadly there's no way of decently embedding them into the blog, but just click the links below to see them.
Paris (Based on my recent trip to Paris. It had a white tuft on its head!)
Hope you like them; I'm sure there's more to come!
Tuesday, 29 April 2008
The laptop a-warming your thighs.
But though I'm a stranger,
I'll warn you of danger
Resulting in agonised cries:
It may start off pleasantly warm,
But it doesn't continue the same.
So if you are rudus,
And surf the web nudus,
Your legs may both burst into flame.
Sunday, 13 April 2008
I don't think you'll ever hurt me
Or let me come to harm
So worried for my safety
That you won't release my arm.
You swore I could be safe with you,
Inside a gilded cage
But something Hyde's inside you
A dark and bitter
Rage at how I've spoken
You snapped and left me broken
But there's something you've awoken, in me.
So please step back from me,
Get out from underneath my
Skin. Respect me please,
Stop asking where I've
Been and where I'm going
And what time I'll come home
I am a grown woman,
Please leave me alone.
Please leave me alone.
I'm glad I had to hurt you to safely get away
You tried to make me stay, but
That was the day that I'd made up my mind.
Stabbed from behind.
Left you dying, never mind.
Saturday, 12 April 2008
I wish I could control
The images that haunt my sleep,
But absence takes its toll.
I forget your hand in mine
And how it makes me feel
I wonder what your smile looks like,
I wonder if you're real.
I'm counting down the days, sweetheart,
Until I'm by your side
Until my heart swells once again
With tenderness and pride.
We have to be apart for now,
I wish that I knew why.
Until we meet again, my love,
My darling, please don't cry.
Sunday, 6 April 2008
Do you like my shape?
Or do you miss the days when
I was young and lovely.
I was slim and pretty once,
Fair of form and face
Graceful, and your lover once,
You shivered when you touched me.
Old and haggard am I now.
Time has claimed its own.
Still you hold my hand, sweetie.
Why, I've never known.
Wednesday, 12 March 2008
All I want to do
Is take you by the hand,
Lead you through
This world of high demand.
A blessing so unplanned,
Can be so true
So meant to be. And,
You're changing me too -
I write your name in sand.
I'm something new.
My heart that bears your brand
Tuesday, 11 March 2008
She was suddenly very apologetic,
Horrified at what she'd done.
I brushed it aside.
For a second I'd forgotten too,
But there it was again,
Hot in my head
Swollen in my throat
The strange and unpleasant thought-
Unspeakable, and so often unspoken.
I thought it would get easier,
But grief becomes silent, and thus forgotten.
Until you hear their name
Hear a joke they'd love
See a dog fall over, something silly.
And you can't tell them.
Something's broken and now you can't tell them.
Monday, 3 March 2008
I'm glad for my umbrella
braced against the wind.
over-eager hints of spring
the path is half-white
pavements crunching underfoot
the hail melts to slush.
moments later, sun.
the roads sparkle with puddles
I look up, and smile.
Thursday, 28 February 2008
Little scraps of paper.
A secret and sweet "I love you"
under my pillow.
He loves me.
And I, willing yet unable to give myself wholly over,
To kiss and stroke him as I would,
I love him in every little way I can reach.
Wednesday, 20 February 2008
Friday, 25 January 2008
Your lips are mist
I think of this and miss your tender kiss
That sense of bliss and joy, me and my boy.
I failed the test; I bailed.
Just let me rest, it's best to draw the veil
In some warm nest, a safe haven,
Hidden from the wailing raven
That seems to haunt my dreams with hateful screams.
But I'll be strong. There's nothing wrong in running for the prize,
Your priceless eyes, that play the song
Of sweet surprise.
I won't be long.
The silence dies.
And once again, so soft, unplanned,
I'll touch your hand
In some sweet green land...
Tuesday, 22 January 2008
Friday, 11 January 2008
It's times like this I wish we could talk
(eye to eye,
hand in hand,
face to face.)
But once again
I'm here alone
Eyes screwed shut,
Pretending I can feel you lying beside me.
Imagining your warmth, your voice.
Every thought a longing.
And I know that the moment
You hear how I miss you
You want to be by my side.
(Heart to heart,
truth to truth,
skin on skin.)
Science or magic,
I know that I'm yours,
And I long for the day we can be
Hand on heart,
life of love
soul in skin.
(Quite without a warning)
Felt an understanding dawning like the rising of the sun.
And I suddenly was seeing just how
Servanthood is freeing
And how doing it and being it could actually be fun!
And I wasn't just resigned,
But favourably inclined
To the fact that we're designed not to live for number one.
It was God himself who spoke,
But my concentration broke,
And when I re-awoke, my new epiphany was done.
And nothing's any clearer.
Ineffable as ever,
But still I'm one step nearer.
At least, I think I'm getting there,
As hope replaces deep despair...
A God who claims to hear a
Voice cry in the wilderness,
I think that voice is me.
Lost on the boundary of understanding.
Warm, strong drumbeat
Soft loud bloodbeat
Safe and clear.
Felt so near.
Fewer questions that your eyes have,
More focus than your hands,
More restful than your ever-moving mind.
No demand, no attention,
Just quiet and feel it now.
The first time we ever met,
That your best days were behind you
And I hadn't had mine yet?
But now I've heard your stories
About what you've seen and done.
I envy you those memories,
For mine might never come.
You know as well as I do
They could call time tonight.
Our only chance to steal this dance
Could fall into the night.
Remember what I told you
That winter, by the bay,
That we should take things slowly
So we don't get swept away?
I'm not sure I believe that,
And I've fallen pretty hard.
If things went wrong between us,
There's no doubt that I'd be scarred.
You know as well as I do
It's too late to turn around.
We've jumped and now we're flying,
Will we ever hit the ground?